Part of me thinks, "she's finally here....whew!" The other part of me thinks, "she's here already?" I feel like I've been wishing that I wouldn't be pregnant anymore forever and now I'm not. I can't lie, part of me really misses it, especially feeling her move around and I knew I would miss that the most.
Mommyhood is nothing like I expected. I feel like there isn't enough books you could read or people you could talk to in preparation. Every second is a surprise and I'm absolutely enraptured by my new baby every moment...even the screaming moments at 4am. I didn't think it was possible to love someone or something so instantly. No offense to my absolutely amazing husband of course but there is no way to compare the feeling.
It's almost impossible to believe that it was only two weeks ago that I suddenly went into labor and before I could blink, she was in my arms. Interestingly, in retrospect I think I knew it was coming. On Thursday morning the 13th, I woke feeling different. My right ankle was more swollen than it has ever been, even at the end of the day and I was so achy when I went to school. Mind you, I wasn't having contractions (I don't think) but I felt awful. That was the first day I felt like my students did about me being pregnant at work: "I can't believe that Mrs. Jenks is still working when she's that huge!" Even though I had a mountain of stuff I wanted to finish at school, when I was done teaching after third period, I went home. During my last class it was hard to stand, my lower back was killing me etc. I took a 2 hour nap and then went to my 37 week appointment with my OB. Since I wasn't having regular contractions she opted not to check my cervix; it is a very painful and uncomfortable process but she did put me on the fetal monitor because I mentioned that I hadn't felt Kenzie move for more than a day. By the time I left, my doc said that Kenzie's heartbeat was fine and that she'd see me in a week.
I was having a horrible time sleeping Thursday night and even sent Mike to the couch because his snoring was keeping me up. Around 2am I got up to go to the bathroom (for the zillionth time) and at exactly 2:19am when I climbed back into bed I started to feel a warm release. I so seriously thought I was experiencing incontinence and was peeing myself. I jumped backward off the bed to spare my sheets just in time for a huge, warm gush to pool around my feet. After momentary shock and to register what was happening I started yelling for Mike who coincidentally was in the other bathroom. Everything moved very quickly after that. However, here is the one thing that no one told me (yes I should have been smart enough to guess): when your water breaks, it doesn't all come out at once, it will continue to come until you deliver. I was so frazzled because I couldn't get the water to stop coming out long enough to dress to go to the hospital. We called my OB's office, called my mom, called Mike's dad, packed the rest of our stuff and then went to the hospital. Since my water broke I knew it didn't matter if I was dialated or effaced or not. I knew K was still breech so they would have to do a c-section anyway.
I think my two hours in triage were the worst of labor. I guess I was fortunate to only have about 5 contractions (all back contractions, which really suck). All I remember is being so tired and not being able to get comfortable. I'm sure a lot of people are thinking "really Leah, if that was your labor, stop complaining." My section was scheduled for 5:30 and at that time Mike and I got dressed up in our gear (Mike had way more than me), they wheeled me to OR, I sat on the gurney gripping the nurse's hand as they delivered my spinal, and was finally ready for Mike to come in and sit with me.
I don't remember my doctor saying that they were starting (Mike did and intentionally kept talking to me so I wouldn't know and panic) and at 6:29, my beautiful little girl was pulled out and held up so I could see her. Mike and I watched as they cleaned her up, weighed her, gave her shots etc. Mike held her next to my face so I could give her kisses. I cried from the second I saw her and heard her cry until she was next to me. By the time they took me to recovery, my mom and Bek, my dad, and Mike's dad had all arrived to meet their new grand daughter.
Although she is more perfect than I could describe, I am definitely struggling with managing my hormones. I cry for no reason...literally smiling to crying in a second. Kenzie won't latch on to me so I can't nurse her properly. What's worse is that I'm not pumping enough for her either. I don't even know if I am producing enough milk for her when I can get her to latch. I think this is the most devastating reality for me. I had made the decision that I was nursing her and that was it. I was so sure that I had never bothered to buy formula or bottles. In her first week, she got an eye infection (serious crusties), was constipated because of her formula, and then had horrible diarrhea. I kept thinking that if only I could figure out how to nurse her then she wouldn't be having these problems. I'm starting to relax a little more and have seen two lactation consultants to help me but I wish more than anything that I could do this one small thing for my daughter.
All in all, Mike and I are so unbelievably blessed. I look at her and I'm overcome with the love I feel and am terrified knowing that something will happen to her and she'll get hurt. Mike teases me that I just can't bubble wrap the world...gosh I wish I could.
We are in love!
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